i was never one for writing
I was never one for writing. Never one for the flowery words and literary analysis required in most high school level English lit classes. My essays always just brushed the bottom word limit, the looping elegant words my peers had to cut down to stay under the top word limit never present in my own writings. In class, my essay’s 5 full foolscap pages only reached that length due to double spacing, and my large blocky handwriting filling the pages with mainly empty space. My spelling was always off too, missing a capital, or forgetting how to spell dialuge for the millionth time this term. Not even that I miss it once or twice, but every single time I’m my paragraph about dialogue, missing the crucial letters to make it sound correct. Writing is hard to be persived as important, when the author can't even spell perceived correctly. Syntax in the awkward middle stage between conveying my message, but in 3 too many words, that stumble over each other. And the message. The message that my peers seemed to uncover and display their interpretations of, the correct interpretations, so very easily. But my own, fumbling on the line of accurate, and complete bs, made up with the hope, the teacher won't read it too closely.
I enjoy my numbers, definite answers, and formulaic methodology of solving a problem. It's not even that I don't enjoy reading or literature. If you know me irl, chances are I have a book on me. A copy of the Virgin Suicides for the subway, Medea tucked in a pocket of my purse, or Dune, but only the last section, as I cut the spine in half and taped the pages together so they’d fit in my jackets pocket.
I am not going into English, or writing, or social communication. I am going into STEM. And if one more year of struggling through English lit, and pushing myself to get better grades, will improve my chances of getting into my dream program, it is something that I will just have to do. School for me has always been a really fun place, with all my friends, and amazing teachers. I am hopeful that writing more (like here for instance) will help me improve my writing/communication skills for the upcoming year. I know that I am definitely not the only one who struggles with things like this, I hate the divide that I have in my mind, that pushes me away from English lit because I am a “STEM kid”. I am not perfect, and coming to terms with the fact that I will never be perfect as a teenager is hard. Even while writing the conclusion to this essay, I fight with myself over weather it is good enough to post or not. Who wants to hear a kid whine about getting mid grades on a high school subject, when they could do literally anything else with their time. But for me, publishing a piece of work that I do not like, that I think is poorly written and includes too much yapping is the only way I will improve in writing, and the only way I can show my self that I do not have to be perfect. (#ib-english-core (someone let me back on Tumblr))